A Threat Analysis of the Danish Empire

Introduction

Recent world events have brought the nation of Denmark to the forefront of geopolitical thought. In this paper we will seek to perform a thorough analysis of the threat Denmark poses to life as we know it.

Military History

Denmark is the oldest monarchy in Europe and has a long history of brutal military conquests including the invasion of London, Stockholm, and Copenhagen. For thousands of years the Danes have terrorized Europe. And yet the common man's conception of the Danish people revolves around sugar cookies, chocolate, and cheese. How can two such discontinuous views of Denmark coexist? The answer lies in Denmark's best kept secret: Danes are Vikings.

The Viking Overlords

Vikings dominated most of Europe for centuries; so much so that the period of 793 - 1066 A.D. was known as the "Viking Age." To put this in perspective, the Nazis were in power for about 12 years and didn't even get an era named after them. The Viking Age was followed immediately by the Middle Ages, which was considered an improvement by all involved (except maybe the Vikings).

Geographical Position

A quick glance at a map of Europe (show above) reveals peculiar property of Denmark: it's hard to find. We believe this probably lended the country some security in past centuries but modern technology negates this advantage today. Using this technology we were able to pinpoint the location of Denmark as shown in the next map.



So there it is, north of Germany, jutting out into the North Sea. We believe this is a good defensive position for these Viking aggressors as many would-be attackers will need to move thru southern Europe and all they way across Germany to get to Denmark. Chances are good that even the most vengeful enemy would be captivated by the foreign beauty of some waitress in a French or Italian cafe along the way and thus the attack would be repelled without any loss of Danish troops.

Military Power

Denmark's military numbers are unimpressive by most standards, around 25k standing troops, but when you consider that this number translates to about 1000 Viking longboats roaming about coastal land and waterways, pillaging and plundering, we believe you'll agree this is not an inconsequential threat. Also consider that in times as recent as the 20th century Denmark had a profitable and powerful empire reaching as far as the Americas.

Perceived Motives

Up until recently is was obvious to most military strategists that Denmark was vying to regain its former empire status but was unclear how it intended to do so. But recent events have shed some light on this. We believe their intent is to incite a large-scale war between European and Middle Eastern countries (primarily the region formerly known as Iran) and then conquer the victors in their weakness during the aftermath.

Conclusion, Forecast, and Recommendation

Our best case scenario is that Denmark continues to provoke the peace-loving, rational nations of our planet in an effort to drive energy costs high and morale low until peace talks eventually neutralize the situation. Our worst case scenario is best expressed as the following image:



Here you can see the demonic Viking hordes slaughtering our young men and riding off with our women. Later, the birds of the air feast on the bodies of the slain. It should be no mystery to the reader why we recommend the freedom-loving peoples of the world join together in against Denmark. We suggest using the phrase "War on Humor" to denote this effort.

Proposal For Middle East Consolidation

Introduction

The U.S. is at war with Iraq. The way things are going the U.S. is also going to be at war with Iran. Assuming both wars are 100% successful there is an important opportunity that should be taken advantage of. Please refer to the map below.



Note the close proximity of Iraq to Iran. There is a high probability of future conflicts in this area and thus future military operations and media coverage. We propose that the two future U.S. territories, Iraq and Iran, be consolidated into one larger territory.

Phase I: Iranq

The consolidated territory consisting of the former Iran and Iraq countries will now be known as Iranq. The new map for this region is shown below.

Potential Benefits

The following is a short list of obvious benefits. This list is not exhaustive.

• Less chance of Iranqi civilians being bombed due to misheard instructions.
• Reduces the number of bumper stickers that overly-patriotic citizens need to put on their SUV's. We estimate this will save 230 billion tons of landfill space by the 2015.
• Current and future President Bushes less likely to use the wrong name in press conferences.

Potential Problems

This plan is not without it's problems and risks. There is a risk that the upcoming war with Iran may have other world powers involved and much like WWII we end up with an East and West Iranq with a crumbly wall or large sand dune in between.

Another issue is the ethnic, political, and religious differences of the various peoples of the Middle East. However we believe that all groups will be able to put aside their differences once they fly the same flag and are ruled by the same unopposed, UN approved political party. The motto "one oil, one people" should be used to encourage this.

A third problem is apparent from closely studying the Middle East map. What's that little dot labeled Kuwait? We propose this be used for an Allied military base, it looks like the right size.

Phase II: Iranqistan

Once Iranq consolidation is complete it may prove equally useful to annex the neighboring country of Afghanistan. This will be an easier process since Afghanistan is already fully subdued by the U.S. military; indeed, it's merely a matter of printing new maps, like the one shown below.



One might ponder the reason for not taking Pakistan into this Phase II consolidation. After all, the name fits well enough. There are two key reasons for leaving Pakistan as it is. First, so far Pakistan hasn't done anything that would merit its swift and decisive military conquest. Wars aren't free and you need a plausible reason to start a new one in this day and age. Second, we believe there are tangible benefits to having a buffer country between Iranqistan and India. Fear not, there is preliminary research underway investigating the potential benefits of forming a Pakindia territory.

Summary

Thank you for considering our proposal for a more peaceful, uniform Middle East. We feel that with some hard work and good media coverage this proposed process will benefit the Western world greatly.

Application for License to Develop Nuclear Weapons

The application process for a developing nation to gain the right to develop nuclear technology is very lengthy and complicated. I propose a new process be put in place in light of recent world events. My proposal is simpler, cheaper, and probably more accurately screens out nations that should not be allowed nuclear programs.


Here's how it goes:

• Step 1. Show the nation a series of cartoons poking fun at their leaders, their beliefs, and any religious figures they might have. The jokes should tend towards the subtle and clever side of things, no need to overdo it here since the nations we attempting to identify do not have a short fuse, they have no fuse.


• Step 2. Did they burn anything down? If not they pass.